The Anxiety Diaries.

Monday 5th November 2018

Well… Hello there everyone. It has been almost a year since I have written on my beloved blog. My keyboard has collected a layer of dust and my writers block has been more like a concrete barrier reinforced with titanium (is that strong?? It sounds pretty damn strong to my uneducated brain..). Every now and then I pop on, but I have been unable to maintain a schedule for a painfully long time now. I can blame so many things – busy life, full time work, laziness. To an extent, all of these things factor in to where all my time goes, but that is being a normal human. I wish it was just these things, oh how I wish it was simply ‘I’m just so chocker block with my wonderful job and wonderfully busy life!’, but it’s just not.

I try so hard to put on a facade like this, that my life is nothing short of fine and god forbid I have problems, as every single one of us do. The mask I place on my face each and every day of my public life is as thick and heavy as that concrete barrier of the creative block I have struggled with for so long. The more I struggle to hold the mask up, the more it drags down what I am hiding beneath.

Being completely honest with you all, I have been suppressing so much over the past six months that recently everything has quite literally crumbled beneath me. I had a really severe panic attack in my workplace followed by several anxiety attacks which I have pretty much been waiting to stop for over a week now. I haven’t slept much at all this week as panic sneaks up on me when the lights go out; the room is dark and calm yet my brain is at it’s most awake. It eats at my doubts and fears and before I know it my nightmare is that I am awake and I can’t breathe.

It is such a ruthless illness. I am currently sat writing this frank and honest post on how horrendous I am feeling; yet I am surrounded by unassuming people in a crowded coffee shop, and to the naked eye I am completely, indifferently a-okay. It’s terrifying how silent and cripplingly lonely mental health issues are.

If you take anything away from this post – be nice to EVERYONE. You would be kind to someone with a broken leg, you’d open a door for them or help them if you could see them struggling, of course you would! Unfortunately, there isn’t that luxury with mental health, you can’t look inside someone’s head and see a problem in order to know to be kind, to be gentle, so why not just do it regardless?

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Wednesday 5th December 2018

I am going to assign this to fate that I unintentionally opened this post exactly 1 month apart, and in the exact same coffee shop may I add! I had one hell of a month, I hate to have to say it got a lot worse before it got better, but at least it is getting better. The dark, heavy cloud that was hanging over my head has somewhat lifted. Only a week ago it was down pouring on my everyday life, flooding my mind with terrorising worry about the most mundane acts because literally anything was initiating panic attacks on a daily basis.

I am by no means saying I am cured, far from it, but I haven’t had a panic attack in a few days and am having a somewhat good day today. I am writing this for myself to read back on a day of need to remind myself and others; OI YOU, good days exist and you WILL get through this shoddy one! I had my first talking therapies assessment today so lets all cross our fingers that these wonderful humans have a magical wand to get me feeling a whole lot less poo eh?!

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I know this was oversharing to the max, but as part of trying to feel happier and more productive, I am forcing myself to get back into blogging, something that used to bring me so much joy back in its hay day. I didn’t feel quite right just diving back in and pretending this side of my life wasn’t also happening too; and who knows, it may help someone out there feel a tad less alone! To those people out there struggling, I am sending humungous virtual hugs in your direction, sorry if I have cold hands it is an AWFULLY chilly day.

Please feel free to use this comment section as your own little therapy session, writing out these feelings has felt strangely therapeutic and I would love for you all to feel the same!

Just Jolie x

My Mind Is Like A Football Match.

My mind is like a football match.

We have the home crowd; the supporters, the good intentions, hopeful thoughts, body positivity and ambition.

But the away stand are also there, the voices in my head that want to see me fail. They cheer when something goes wrong in my life; relish in any speckle of self doubt, anxiety, social stumbles (of which there are many) or heartbreak.

Star Wars: Return Of The Just Jolie.

The struggle for a title continues to be very real, no matter how long I continue this blogging shenanigans. If any of you have been here since the start, you will know I can never produce a normal title; one of my loveable quirks I suppose eh? I believe the last blogging return post title was in the form of a well known Eminem lyric, I’ll let you figure that one out yourself. Regardless, here I am, back again in word form! Pleased to see me?

Current Favourites.

Just Jolie x

Just Jolie’s 3 Year Anniversary!

3 YEARS? My blog is now the age of a small infant; that genuinely blows my little mind! I simply wanted to pop in and just thank anyone (mainly friends and family) who have followed from the beginning, anyone who have popped in and out along the way; any support is and will always be so greatly appreciated.

It warms my heart that even one person would take time out of their day to read my musings, watch my videos, absorb my reviews and go out and buy products because of little old me. Thank you, thank you, and thank you! Here is to many more years to come of mindless word spews from my extremely weird brain.

Just Jolie x

La Di Da Magazine Wedding Fair.

Hello lovely people! If you are unaware, I am currently working at John Lewis Newcastle within the womenswear department. This really does open some rather fashionable doors, one of which, was a fabulous wedding fair at Alnwick gardens, hosted by the wonderful La Di Da magazine. I got to get myself dolled up in an expensive dress I can not afford, play with wedding dress’, and have lovely wedding chats with lovely members of the lovely public – can you tell I had a lovely time?

Come Together – Right Now.

Hello, Long time, no type. I’m back on my old URL, as I was not making the most of owning my own domain, and iPage screwed me HARD with money (long story). Anyway, that is not what pushed me to begin blogging again – what did that, was the horrific event which happened at 10:34pm on the 22nd of May 2017 in Manchester Arena.

Life Update: Job, Moving & Stuff.

My life has been the very definition of busy lately. As in, if you looked up the dictionary definition of busy, a petite book-sized me would be staring up at you. “But why Jolie?”, I hear you ask; well chum, that is this very post; a wee update of everything I have been up to!

I GOT A JOB

As you may or may not know from my recent blog posts, I have recently acquired a job at John Lewis! It is my first real/extensive hours/good job and I can’t actually explain to you the nerves I felt this Monday on my first day. This was of course misplaced nerves and I could not be happier! 

I work on the CHRISTMAS DEPARTMENT (if you are unaware, Christmas is kind of a big deal to me) with such a lovely bunch of co-workers and I genuinely wake up excited to go to work. I do have extremely early starts which are a slight killer, but I don’t mind it too much as you can’t be unhappy when arranging stockings, balballs and snow globes – it’s just not possible!

I have been given many extra hours which does fill my scheduale, but I really will try to keep producing a lot of great content for you all!

I’M MOVING HOUSE

Along with a new job has come a new house, which is exciting but chaotic as hell. After living in rental for afew years now, I’m so excited that my parents have bought their own place again! It’s definitely a fixer-upper, which is exciting to personalise and a fun experience, but also requires a lot of time and TLC, which I have limited of.

The moving date draws ever closer (try less than a week), and I can’t lie, I’m pooping myself at the aspect of time in ratio to how much needs doing, but it’s a challenge I’m thrilled to take part in.

I’M MAKING MORE VIDEOS

In this gap year I’ve found myself taking, I made a promise to myself that I would try to use the time productively. This included attempting to grow my blog and YouTube channel, as they are both things I enjoy immensely. I’ve started trying to put out video content more consistently (once a week) and it does take time and effort – but I love it! Please check out my channel and subscribe to be the first to see my new video coming out tomorrow!!

And that’s been my life in a nutshell! Just trying to keep you in the loop that is my life and if you like my loop, keep coming back for more!

Just Jolie x

I Was In A Fashion Show.

Hey chums – so I did something recently… It was completely out of character and it brought me slap bang out of my comfort zone; but I am so glad that I did it. I took part in a charity fashion show which was in partnership with John Lewis raising money for the Teenage Cancer Trust, and it was blooming amazing!

I was a model in the show, something I didn’t think I would ever dream of saying in a million years. A year ago, you wouldn’t have caught me walking in front of 10 people, never mind near 150! I would have run away from that opportunity the second I knew about it because I would be scared of a) what people would think of me, b) if I’d make a fool of myself, and c) what people would think of me x2. I have grown so much in this last year, and I have learnt to literally not give two shindigs of what other people will think – and my life has improved dramatically with that mind set!

We were all dressed in clothes from new collections from different brands sold in John Lewis. From Ted Baker, Coast, Whistles, French Connection and so much more, it was like a dream world of beautiful clothes that were completely out of my price range! For example, I was put in a beautiful off the shoulder black jumper… It was £200. A £200 jumper (What?! I know.). Of course, I wasn’t complaining; I got to strut my stuff in some stunning pieces (my monochrome floral midi skirt was my personal fave.) with two of my best friends, Gurveen and Lib, who I’m also showing you below as they look absolutely fabulous.

The event itself was a raging success, raising over £2,000 for teenage cancer units within the North East , I was very proud to bring myself out of my comfort zone for such a brilliant cause. Well done to everyone who made it possible, it were brill.

Visit John Lewis to check out these beautiful garments.

All pictures taken by The Image Farm – Northumberland.

Just Jolie x

 

I Need YOUR Help.

URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ALL SELFIE TAKERS ALIKE. Sorry, I won’t shout at to you for the entire post – I do need your assistance after all, more specifically, your face. 

If you are unaware, I take art as an A level, and my exam is fast approaching. I dread looking at my exam countdown, but just for you all to have an idea, it is at the 20 day mark *Commence panic stations*. It’s hard to describe the process to anyone who doesn’t take Art, however, basically I am working towards a 15 hour exam where I produce a final outcome, which I’d love you all to feature in.

My project has been all about female body image within the media, and how it is impacting our society. In light of this, I will be constructing a photo collage of as many selfies as I can muster, using it as part of my background – and that is where you all come in!

If everyone reading this could send me an unedited, unfiltered selfie, face or body (but more faces if possible, or both if you fancy!), I would love you forever… That’s quite strong, but it would be greatly appreciated! If you send me a selfie it will then feature in my final piece, which I will certainly show you all in the end – it’s only fair!

To send me your UNEDITED (very important) selfies, you can:

• DM me via Twitter (justjolie123)
• Send it to me via Instagram (justjolie123)

Now, I don’t want to be rude to my muses, but time is of the essence, so the sooner you can send me them, the better. Thank you SO much to anyone who does this, and remember, you get to be in art, so it’s pretty damn cool!(?)

Just Jolie x