Monday 5th November 2018
Well… Hello there everyone. It has been almost a year since I have written on my beloved blog. My keyboard has collected a layer of dust and my writers block has been more like a concrete barrier reinforced with titanium (is that strong?? It sounds pretty damn strong to my uneducated brain..). Every now and then I pop on, but I have been unable to maintain a schedule for a painfully long time now. I can blame so many things – busy life, full time work, laziness. To an extent, all of these things factor in to where all my time goes, but that is being a normal human. I wish it was just these things, oh how I wish it was simply ‘I’m just so chocker block with my wonderful job and wonderfully busy life!’, but it’s just not.
I try so hard to put on a facade like this, that my life is nothing short of fine and god forbid I have problems, as every single one of us do. The mask I place on my face each and every day of my public life is as thick and heavy as that concrete barrier of the creative block I have struggled with for so long. The more I struggle to hold the mask up, the more it drags down what I am hiding beneath.
Being completely honest with you all, I have been suppressing so much over the past six months that recently everything has quite literally crumbled beneath me. I had a really severe panic attack in my workplace followed by several anxiety attacks which I have pretty much been waiting to stop for over a week now. I haven’t slept much at all this week as panic sneaks up on me when the lights go out; the room is dark and calm yet my brain is at it’s most awake. It eats at my doubts and fears and before I know it my nightmare is that I am awake and I can’t breathe.
It is such a ruthless illness. I am currently sat writing this frank and honest post on how horrendous I am feeling; yet I am surrounded by unassuming people in a crowded coffee shop, and to the naked eye I am completely, indifferently a-okay. It’s terrifying how silent and cripplingly lonely mental health issues are.
If you take anything away from this post – be nice to EVERYONE. You would be kind to someone with a broken leg, you’d open a door for them or help them if you could see them struggling, of course you would! Unfortunately, there isn’t that luxury with mental health, you can’t look inside someone’s head and see a problem in order to know to be kind, to be gentle, so why not just do it regardless?
Wednesday 5th December 2018
I am going to assign this to fate that I unintentionally opened this post exactly 1 month apart, and in the exact same coffee shop may I add! I had one hell of a month, I hate to have to say it got a lot worse before it got better, but at least it is getting better. The dark, heavy cloud that was hanging over my head has somewhat lifted. Only a week ago it was down pouring on my everyday life, flooding my mind with terrorising worry about the most mundane acts because literally anything was initiating panic attacks on a daily basis.
I am by no means saying I am cured, far from it, but I haven’t had a panic attack in a few days and am having a somewhat good day today. I am writing this for myself to read back on a day of need to remind myself and others; OI YOU, good days exist and you WILL get through this shoddy one! I had my first talking therapies assessment today so lets all cross our fingers that these wonderful humans have a magical wand to get me feeling a whole lot less poo eh?!
I know this was oversharing to the max, but as part of trying to feel happier and more productive, I am forcing myself to get back into blogging, something that used to bring me so much joy back in its hay day. I didn’t feel quite right just diving back in and pretending this side of my life wasn’t also happening too; and who knows, it may help someone out there feel a tad less alone! To those people out there struggling, I am sending humungous virtual hugs in your direction, sorry if I have cold hands it is an AWFULLY chilly day.
Please feel free to use this comment section as your own little therapy session, writing out these feelings has felt strangely therapeutic and I would love for you all to feel the same!
Just Jolie x
JUST JOLIE 